Thursday, July 3, 2014

Don't cry for me, 'tis just a tumor....

I have gone over and over how to start this blog post, and nothing seems to flow. It isn't something I even want to talk about--yet, I am not good at ignoring the elephant in the corner. Never have been. As hard as this is to type about, the few conversations I have attempted haven't been smooth, either. Humor helps me, but not everyone else, it seems. So, I figure, you can choose to read or not--and then we can talk about it later or not--the elephant is out and life can go on. Here goes nothing.

If you read my last post, you know I am currently being treated for chronic lyme (which, by the way, is going well). During the process of getting diagnosed, my physician ran a bunch of tests. One of the tests that came back atypical was my cortisol level. Long story short, after many more tests (of both my patience and my body), we have found a pituitary tumor. Before anyone freaks out (brain tumor tends to do that in the best of us), as far as tumors go, this is not a bad one to have. He is just a little guy--about the size of the beads I use most, 4x6mm (the irony is not lost on me). He is assumed to be benign, but is most likely secreting hormones and wreaking havoc on my body. So, as cute and little as he is, he must come out.

While there are plenty of bad things about this--fatigue, weight gain, memory loss, surgery, inability to live my life to the fullest right now, etc., there are also many really good things.

One, it is removable. It is not pushing on anything or growing into anything, as far as we can tell. AND, they can go in through my nose, rather than through my skull--so the recovery is not as long (nor does it seem as scary).

Two, the new theory is that I may have never had PCOS (my previous health issues that weren't solvable, only managed). Rather that I have always had this tumor and it is just slow growing. So, that means that if we remove this tumor, I may not need to be on meds for the rest of my life for PCOS.

Three, there is a plausible and reversible explanation for my memory woes--other than just growing older. This has been really frustrating for me--I used to have an excellent memory (I was once falsely accused of cheating on a test because I remembered the sequence of answers from the identical pre-test given and scored in class the day before). Just this last week, I failed to remember an entire story from one of my closest friends until she came to the end and it triggered the memory. I had heard the story only two weeks prior. As a former therapist, stories are fascinating to me--this was troubling. It is not the first time in recent years that I know of--who knows how many other things I have forgotten. On this note--I can't remember who I was training in my basement when I found the tick that caused the Lyme disease. If it was you, please let me know. That would help me pin down the timing of onset. Thanks! On a similar note, if I owe you money, you might have to remind me. If I don't owe you money, you could still remind me and I might not know any better, LOL! So, there is hope that I could get some of my memory back.

Four, if you have to get two diseases that both affect your energy levels, cause a lot of pain, affect memory and focus and keep you from exercising, you might as well get them both at the same time! If you are going to take me out--just get it all done at once. It should take 3-6 months to wean me off of the high cortisol levels following surgery (which should be this summer). I will need to take a tapering dose of a steroid pill for several months. My lyme treatment could very likely be wrapping up at about the same time. Therefore, come Christmas, you could all be getting your N back :).

Five, there is an explanation for everything--it isn't all in my head--lazy, hazy and crazy--well, it is in my head (technically), but not in the way I was beginning to worry! I have gained 30 lbs at this point. Which, when you go from a very fit and muscular 5'3" to 30 lbs heavier with less muscle, it is a big difference. Not easy to take for a fitness instructor--or anyone else for that matter! I am learning humility, patience and to love myself no matter what.

Truly, in the end, that is the best outcome of all. I have slowed down my life, removed unnecessary clutter and distractions, lived in the present and learned to love myself without all the achievements. The deconstructed N is still the same--big heart, living my life with intention, to the fullest I can muster. Aren't we all, really?!

Sharing a little tumor humor--feeling loved!

18 comments:

  1. Oh, Sweetie, as always, I'm awed by your attitude. I'm very sorry to learn about your double ordeal but very happy that you now know what is causing it. I have complete faith that you will succeed in overcoming them and recovering your vibrant self. Again as always, you are an army of one, supported by a regiment of loyal friends and family. Love you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. My attitude is the only part of this that I can control--and some days I can't even control that! But, it is the support of friends and family that are carrying me through this one for sure.

      Delete
  2. I LOVE your positive attitude! Hang in there! You will persevere! ~Angie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Angie--you know more than most that the positive attitude is my best hope of making it through with my sanity!

      Delete
  3. Love your humor!
    And am glad there are SO many positives in this story. Hope it all goes well an Christmas comes soon!

    Love you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Kashmira. I am relieved that there are others who get my humor and aren't offended by it!

      Delete
  4. LOL. I think from a fellow cancer patients point of view we, (the patients), are far better at seeing the humour in the situation. I would be in trouble if not I was first diagnosed at age 6, with the revelation it was always there just took time to come to light, I am 34 and have three and a half further diagnoses to add to that first one. (The half was the colposcopy that I had which removed the cells before they could completely transform). Keep on smiling. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sorry to hear about your struggles. But, you are right, the laughter keeps us going! And, I also keep reminding myself that the alternative is worse--it allows you to find some joy every day, even the ones spent in pain.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your humor and up attitude will get you thought this journey called life. I will keep you in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! It would be silly to think we could get through this journey without a good challenge or two, wouldn't it?!

      Delete
  7. Take 2-so, maybe not as eloquent as my first post...I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your realness and transparency throughout this journey. I love how you see the silver lining in these situations and I love your choice to be positive and intentional with your life. Your grace and positive attitude are only a few of the things that I truly admire about you...will continue to pray with you and for you throughout this journey <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Tanya! We all have our own situations to face--can't really choose them, can we?! Some days, I am really good about staying positive, but I must admit to an occasional pity party. It just doesn't help much to linger at those parties for very long, does it?! I thank you for your prayers, they will help me through! He's got this, too!

      Delete
  8. I love your attitude! That is what is going to beat this setback.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! That is exactly what it is, a setback. Well said--pretty soon, I will be looking back on it!

      Delete
  9. Thank you so much for sharing! We distant relatives want (need) to know what’s going on (all the time)! Your attitude, verve, humility, and humor (givens with you) make me think of the TEDMED: “Can a poet & a loving community make cancer a thing of beauty?” (cf. http://www.tedmed.com/talks/show?id=54796 ). And you do so. You’re in my (our) thoughts/prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Chad, once again I am humbled that you chose to read my ramblings. Every time i walk away from our encounters having learned a little something from you. Most of the time, I am left wondering how in the world you come across all of the things you read and discover. Maybe I can make a little tumor sculpture of my own to keep :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Haha, if you do, be prepared to make salable copies so that we can, in a very small way, "have" your cancer too :)
    And thank you for your uplifting words!--you very skilled uplifter, you. A skill I gladly glean a bit more of every time I read your writings (seriously); and a skill that I'm impressed that while going through all this YOU are still doing for others (not just soaking in all the upliftingness, as is the expected norm here). Okay, I'll stop now. Have a glorious week+ :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Chad, you make me smile! you have a glorious week as well.

    ReplyDelete